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Skills to try

Simple skills counselors teach, for anyone new to this. Pick one that fits the moment and practice it when you're calm, so it's there when you need it.

Calm your body

When feelings run high, the body is often the fastest way in.

Used in many therapies

Slow, paced breathing

When: Your heart is racing, your breathing is fast, or you feel on edge.

  1. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4.
  2. Breathe out slowly for a count of 6 or more. A longer breath out helps your body settle.
  3. Keep going for a minute or two.

Try the breathing timer →

Used in many therapies

5-4-3-2-1 grounding

When: You feel spacey, panicky, or pulled into the past or into worry.

  1. Name 5 things you can see.
  2. Notice 4 things you can feel.
  3. Listen for 3 things you can hear.
  4. Find 2 things you can smell.
  5. Notice 1 thing you can taste.

Try it step by step →

DBT

TIPP

When: An emotion is so strong you can’t think straight. TIPP changes your body’s chemistry quickly.

  1. Temperature: hold something cold to your face, or splash cold water on it, for 20 to 30 seconds.
  2. Intense exercise: a few minutes of fast movement, like jumping jacks or a brisk walk.
  3. Paced breathing: breathe out more slowly than you breathe in.
  4. Paired muscle relaxation: tense a muscle group as you breathe in, then let it go as you breathe out.

Cold water slows the heart rate. If you have a heart condition, an eating disorder, or another medical condition, check with your doctor before trying it.

Used in many therapies

Progressive muscle relaxation

When: Your body feels tense, or you can’t wind down at night.

  1. Sit or lie down comfortably.
  2. Starting with your feet, tense one group of muscles for about 5 seconds as you breathe in.
  3. Let go all at once as you breathe out, and notice the difference for 10 to 15 seconds.
  4. Work your way up: legs, belly, hands, arms, shoulders, then face.
  5. Skip any area that is injured or painful.

Trauma-informed care (Dan Siegel)

Know your window of tolerance

When: You want to understand why you sometimes feel overwhelmed, and other times numb or shut down.

The window of tolerance Three bands. Top: too much, such as panic, anger or feeling flooded. Middle: your window, where you can feel your emotions and still think clearly. Bottom: too little, such as feeling numb, foggy or shut down. A wavy line moves within the window, rises above it and comes back down with calming skills, then dips below it and comes back up with energizing skills. Too much panic, anger, flooded Your window feel it and still think Too little numb, foggy, shut down calming skills energizing
Stress can push you above your window or below it. Calming skills bring you down; energizing skills bring you up.
  1. Your “window” is the zone where you can feel your emotions and still think clearly.
  2. Above the window (too much): racing heart, panic, anger, feeling flooded. Try calming skills like slow breathing or TIPP.
  3. Below the window (too little): numb, foggy, frozen or shut down. Try gentle energizing skills: stand up, move, splash cold water, name what you see.
  4. With practice and support, the window can get wider.

Get through big emotions

Skills for the moment, so you don’t make things harder.

DBT

STOP

When: You feel the urge to say or do something you might regret.

  1. Stop: freeze for a moment. Don’t act yet.
  2. Take a step back: take a breath, or physically step away.
  3. Observe: notice what is happening inside you and around you.
  4. Proceed mindfully: ask what would help, and act on that.

Emotion research and many therapies

Name the feeling

When: You feel bad but can’t tell exactly how.

  1. Pause and ask, “What am I feeling right now?”
  2. Try to find the most exact word: “disappointed” or “lonely” rather than just “bad”.
  3. Say it to yourself or out loud. Naming a feeling often takes some of its power away.

Use the feelings finder →

DBT

ACCEPTS: healthy distraction

When: You need to get through a hard stretch without making it worse, and can’t solve the problem right now.

  1. Activities: do something that takes your attention.
  2. Contributing: help someone else.
  3. Comparisons: remember a time you coped with something hard.
  4. Emotions: do something that brings up a different feeling, like a funny video.
  5. Pushing away: put the problem on a mental shelf for now.
  6. Thoughts: count, do a puzzle, or recite something.
  7. Sensations: a warm shower, a strong mint, an ice cube.

DBT

Opposite action

When: An emotion is pushing you toward something that won’t help, like hiding when you are sad or lashing out when angry.

  1. Name the emotion and the urge that comes with it.
  2. Ask whether acting on the urge would help in this situation.
  3. If not, do the opposite, fully: reach out instead of withdrawing, or step back and speak gently instead of attacking.

Self-compassion research (Kristin Neff)

A self-compassion break

When: You are being hard on yourself.

  1. Notice it: “This is a hard moment.”
  2. Remember you’re not alone: “Other people feel this too.”
  3. Offer yourself kindness, the way you would a good friend: “What do I need right now?”

Kristin Neff’s version →

Work with your thoughts

Thoughts aren’t always facts. These skills help you notice them and choose how to respond.

CBT

Catch it, check it, change it

When: A thought keeps bringing you down, like “I always mess things up.”

  1. Catch it: notice the thought and write it down.
  2. Check it: ask what the evidence is for and against it, and what you would tell a friend who thought it.
  3. Change it: write a more balanced thought, like “I made a mistake today, and I get a lot of things right.”

ACT

“I’m having the thought that…”

When: You’re caught up in a thought and can’t argue your way out of it.

  1. Put the words “I’m having the thought that…” in front of the thought.
  2. Notice how that puts a little space between you and the thought.
  3. Let the thought be there, and turn your attention back to what matters right now.

CBT

Worry time

When: Worries keep interrupting your day.

  1. Set a 15-minute “worry time” at the same time each day, not close to bedtime.
  2. When a worry comes up at another time, jot it down and save it for worry time.
  3. During worry time, go through the list. Problem-solve what you can, and let go of what you can’t control.

Take care of the basics

A body that is rested, fed and moving handles stress better.

DBT

PLEASE

When: You notice you are more easily upset than usual. Caring for your body makes strong emotions less likely.

  1. Treat PhysicaL illness: see a doctor when you’re sick, and take medicines as prescribed.
  2. Balanced Eating: eat regularly, and not too much or too little.
  3. Avoid mood-altering substances: go easy on alcohol and drugs.
  4. Balanced Sleep: aim for enough sleep, at regular times.
  5. Get Exercise: some movement every day, even a short walk.

CBT

Small steps first (behavioral activation)

When: You feel low and don’t feel like doing anything. Waiting until you feel like it can keep you stuck.

  1. Pick one small, doable thing that used to bring you pleasure or a sense of getting something done.
  2. Schedule it, the way you would an appointment.
  3. Do it whether or not you feel like it, then notice how you feel afterward. Motivation often follows action.

Sleep medicine and CBT for insomnia

Sleep basics

When: You have trouble falling or staying asleep.

  1. Get up at the same time every day, even after a bad night.
  2. Keep the bed for sleep. If you can’t sleep after about 20 minutes, get up and do something calm in dim light, then go back when sleepy.
  3. Cut back on caffeine after midday and on screens in the last hour before bed.
  4. If sleep problems last more than a few weeks, talk with your doctor.

ACT

Know what matters to you

When: You feel lost, stuck, or pulled in too many directions.

  1. Pick a few values that matter most to you, like family, honesty or health.
  2. Choose one small action this week that fits one of them.
  3. When a choice is hard, ask which option moves you toward what matters.

Try the values card sort →

With other people

Skills for asking for what you need and keeping relationships healthy.

DBT

DEAR MAN: asking for what you need

When: You need to ask for something or say no, and want to stay calm and clear.

  1. Describe the situation, just the facts.
  2. Express how you feel about it.
  3. Assert: ask for what you want, or say no, clearly.
  4. Reinforce: say why it helps the other person too.
  5. Stay Mindful: keep to your point, even if the talk drifts.
  6. Appear confident: steady voice, eye contact.
  7. Negotiate: be willing to give a little to get a little.

DBT

GIVE: keeping the relationship strong

When: You want to talk something through and still care for the relationship.

  1. Be Gentle: no attacks, threats or judging.
  2. Act Interested: listen, and don’t interrupt.
  3. Validate: show you understand how they feel, even if you disagree.
  4. Use an Easy manner: a little warmth or humor goes a long way.

DBT

FAST: keeping your self-respect

When: You want to come out of a hard conversation still feeling good about how you acted.

  1. Be Fair, to yourself and to the other person.
  2. No needless Apologies: don’t apologize for having a need or an opinion.
  3. Stick to your values.
  4. Be Truthful: no excuses or exaggerating.

Common to all therapies

Reach out early

When: You notice you are pulling away from people, or a hard feeling won’t lift.

  1. Choose one person you trust.
  2. Send a short message. It doesn’t have to explain everything: “Rough week. Can we talk?” is enough.
  3. If you don’t have someone, or it’s too much to carry alone, a counselor can help. In a crisis, call or text 988.

Practice with an interactive tool

All interactive tools →

These skills are for everyday coping and are not a substitute for counseling or medical care. DBT skills were developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD; a DBT-trained therapist can teach them in depth. If you are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.